What Does Self-Directed Learning Look Like in Action? By Esther Jones
The article below constitutes chapter three from Esther Jones’s book, ‘The Parent’s Handbook to Unschooling Yourself’…
It can be extremely challenging to accompany your child’s learning at first because it looks so different from how you might have always considered learning to look. It’s quite a leap of faith to go from something orderly and with a tangible output to a journey of exploration that’s essentially being invented as it goes. If school-style learning is a series of straight lines, you might imagine self-directed learning as an intricate web of interconnected threads. Some of the threads keep weaving their way steadily through the weeks, months and years, whereas others might pop up, join a couple of dots together and then disappear, never to be seen again. Or they seem to be heading in one direction, and then veer off on a tangent to somewhere entirely different. And while it all makes perfect sense to the child, to the parent it can be both bewildering and endlessly fascinating. ‘What do they do all day?’, people will almost certainly ask you. In the beginning, you might feel a little defensive and find yourself listing all the activities and learning opportunities that arise, and all the ways that the learning is visible and quantifiable. Over time, and as you grow in confidence, you’ll start to appreciate that these tangible things are part of a far richer context. You may still feel you need to give people something they can grasp onto, but you’ll be aware that the richest and most meaningful parts of it all are difficult to put into words.
It’s about the process, not the outcome
Always remember that whereas curriculum learning is about reaching a goal, when your child is self-directed, there’s nothing more rewarding than the journey itself. Everything we talked about in the previous chapter, from learning about their rhythms to practising how to make aligned choices and advocating for themselves, is bound up in how they learn and what they choose to learn. There is so much self-knowledge to be gained by a child trying things out, being bored, deep diving into obscure subjects, taking a break when they need to and figuring out how they best acquire knowledge and expertise. When they forge their own path, they will be natural lifelong learners. It sounds like a paradox, but when the goal is not a specific learning outcome, the learning comes far more easily. When we push children toward what we think is right, we not only create a natural resistance in them by overriding their autonomy, but we also interfere with the process of them figuring out the best next step themselves. So, when we let go of our idea of the perfect outcome, we are also empowering our children to understand how to live their own lives. Let’s see how this might all look in action and the key considerations to remember.
It’s an open-ended exploration
One of the most important differences between self-directed learning and curriculum-based learning is that self-directed learning is an open-ended exploration. There are no limits for the child. For all of us whose main experience of learning comes from school, this is a potentially overwhelming thought. Instead of dedicating many hours a day to specific predetermined subjects, each containing a defined and finite amount of content to be learned in a particular order, the entire world and beyond is now our child’s oyster. I have never met a self-directed child who chose to learn as a child would in school – covering each subject until just the right amount of knowledge had been learned,regardless of whether it was of interest to them or not. I have, however, met many children who have become incredibly knowledgeable and proficient in areas of interest to them. They have become experts in linguistics, space, maths, game design, horse care, horticulture or art, and often these have become the basis for their future studies and career choices. The lack of limits or prescribed goals means that they can pursue their interests far beyond what a curriculum allows for. Letting go of the boundaries of a fixed curriculum can certainly feel disorientating, but it’s also exciting and allows for deeper, more expansive learning.
“Initially, we tried to do school at home and I tried lots of different things, but S wasn’t really into it. I’d think about the subjects they’d enjoyed at school and suggest we did more of that. So although I was trying to do it in a less schooly way, they were still quite schooly things. Everything was instigated by me rather than by the children. All the time, I was thinking ‘Where’s the learning? What can I teach them? I have to teach you. We have to learn stuff!’ At one point I realized it wasn’t the children, it was me. That was the shift I needed. It took a long time, though – it wasn’t overnight. My own education played a huge part here. I had a strong desire to get it right and to show people how good I am. So even when my perspective shifted, I was still putting so much pressure on it all.” – Claire
The learning is not linear
In school, it is expected for there to be steady progress across the board, whereas at home this is unlikely to be the case. You may find that your child goes quickly from reading simple books to long novels, or that they can suddenly reel off every capital city, speak some German or tell you all about the Roman Empire. Since so much of what is going on is not visible to us, it can feel like things come out of nowhere. In the beginning, you may find yourself comparing your child with children who go to school, and assessing where they might be ‘ahead’ and where they might be ‘behind’ compared to their peers. After a while, you’ll realize that this is like comparing apples and pears. Where your child finds something interesting and meaningful, they are likely to acquire knowledge at an astonishing rate. But it won’t be the same across the board. At different times, I’ve had a child whose spelling was as good as any adult’s and could name every country in the world, but whose writing looked like a spider’s. Or a child who hadn’t mastered punctuation in English but could read the Russian alphabet and some basic Mandarin and hold their end in any discussion of geopolitics. Where were they compared to their peers? It’s impossible to say. Out of school, many parents are amazed, as I was, to see how their children take charge of their own reading and how this looks nothing like the linear progress expected at school.
“I kept reading things about how children do teach themselves to read. My friends’ children were reading much earlier and she was almost six and not reading, though we had lots of books and we’d always read to her. I had those moments of, am I doing enough?, but she didn’t like any sort of push. She wanted to do things on her terms. And then one day she just picked up a book and started reading.” – Lianne
“One of my biggest fears was letting go of teaching the boys how to read, and I was especially concerned about my youngest who flat refused to read anything after he was pushed too hard to read at school. We always read to them at night, and to my complete surprise Teddy announced one night that he wanted to read to me instead. Despite being almost 10pm, he picked up five early reader books from the back of the book basket and began to read. I casually stocked the basket with new books and he carried on wanting to read to us at night for about six weeks. He has since stopped but I’m okay with this as I can see he’s progressing and learning at a pace that’s comfortable for him.” – Annie
There is likely to be a lot of delving in and out of different interests
It may feel frustrating that just when your child has embraced a new hobby (and you’ve bought the book, course, kit, etc.), they are ready to move on to something new. As they explore what is appealing to them, there are likely to be many activities and interests that they delve in and out of. They may focus on one thing for several weeks, only to move on and never look at it again. Perhaps they thought it would be more interesting or enjoyable than it turned out to be. Or maybe they already got what they needed from it or it fed a new idea. This can all feel slippery to hold but your child is exploring and gathering what they need from each thing they delve into. That may, of course, mean establishing some guidelines around how much money can be spent on fledgling activities. Trial classes and borrowed or second-hand kits are definitely a wise way to go.
“Interests don’t last for the duration of a school term. They can come and go at the speed of light!” – Annie
There is unlikely to be any measurable output, so there may be no goal except to satisfy curiosity
None of us can be privy to what is happening in someone else’s mind. School tries to get around that by requiring output and using tests to double-check that what is meant to be retained actually is retained. We think we know when a child has learned because there is something for the adult to see. A piece of writing, a poem, a test, a neatly filled-in exercise book. But natural learning, when done freely and without coercion, doesn’t offer any of this reassurance. At home, your child may or may not choose to produce things. If they do create some kind of output, this is likely to be for their satisfaction and not for yours. If you come from a long line of people-pleasers, this might be challenging, but perhaps you can also celebrate the fact that your child is learning for their own satisfaction and not for any approval it could bring. And, if you find that the lack of tangible output makes you particularly anxious, take a deep breath and remind yourself that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Later on in this chapter, you’ll find lots of ways to observe how your child is learning that don’t involve output.
“The lack of output was difficult for me and it still is! I see that the way I used to see my daughter was a bit two-dimensional. I remember feeling proud of her good schoolwork and feeling like it meant I was doing okay as a parent, like there was tangible proof that she was okay through her school books or reports. She’s fanatical about animals. She doesn’t write things down or fill worksheets in, but if you ask her about snakes she could give you GCSE-level knowledge. Now I see that she doesn’t need to write things down to know the information. That has really helped me to relax and calm down.” – Rhonda
I’ve lost count of the times that an adult has suggested to one of our children that they take an exam in something that they love so that they have something to work for, as though the satisfaction of learning was not a reward in itself. And I am happy to admit that I’ve made that suggestion myself too. There is a sense in the adult world that if no successful goal is achieved, the learning isn’t really valid. Why bother if you can’t prove it? But the goal to satisfy curiosity is huge and will almost certainly feel far more important to your child than passing an exam. A couple of years ago someone asked my son why he didn’t take an exam in Mandarin so that he had something to aim for. He looked a bit confused, then answered that his aim was to travel to China and to be able to talk to people in Mandarin. His goal was far bigger, but stress-free and extremely motivating to him. Which isn’t to say that at some point he won’t choose to take an exam, but at that time his own curiosity was plenty enough.
It is near impossible to pull apart the strands of learning into history, geography, chemistry or any other school subject
At some point early on in our journey, I stopped worrying about how things fit into a list of school subjects because it was impossible to pick it all apart. Any attempt I might make at introducing a specific subject generally felt forced and limiting, and far less interesting than the way my children were naturally learning. By observing them, I quickly realized that the neat classification of life into distinct subjects is a school invention and not necessary for a child to learn. After all, real life is not neatly divided into subjects. History, geography, science, languages – everything that ever happens or is thought about involves multiple, interconnected subjects and disciplines. I have come to see my children’s minds as ever-expanding 3D models. New information just slots in where it best fits and it just doesn’t really matter what the subject is. Having said that, as they get older, our children will almost certainly want to hone in on more specific subjects that they are drawn to, and we can allow ourselves to be guided by them.
“I was massively challenged. I started by looking at everything through a curriculum lens. So I would be asking myself, what are we ticking in this activity?, whether it was baking a cake, making mud pies in the garden, creating a bug hotel, or reading stories. It took me ages to stop doing that.” – Holly
There is no particular pace to it
Children, just like adults, have rhythms to their lives. There may be days when nothing in particular seems to happen, and other days that are a whirlwind of activity. This is probably one of the hardest aspects of self-directed learning for the parent. The quiet days can easily trigger worry and a panicky questioning of whether this is all enough. But this is an essential part of children becoming familiar with their own rhythms, and learning when they need to regroup, think, relax or unwind. Just like the rest of us. At some point, the quiet times end and something else arises. Here, the conversations or activities that come in busier moments are often connected to something learned or absorbed in that ebb and flow, inspired by a TV programme or a game, or just some random thoughts that had the space to arise.
“I’ve noticed that things go in waves, and now I understand that things can go quiet but it doesn’t mean they’re not interested any more. I started to see that learning isn’t this linear process, it’s actually all over the place and really messy. Sometimes they might just need one piece of information to move them forward. If they ask something about space, it doesn’t mean they want to read a whole book or know everything about space. They just need that curious question answered for now. Then, when they need more, they will seek out the next piece of information. They know what they need.” – Claire
Learning is a constant – it doesn’t only happen during school hours
When we first started, I would find myself surprised when our children would suddenly be bursting with energy on a Sunday evening with some project. I would find it equally challenging when they were still in pyjamas late on a Monday morning. Aware that everyone else we knew was heading off to work or to school, I felt like we were somehow bunking off. But school hours are a social construct and learning really does happen all the time. Our children’s brains don’t take the weekends and evenings off. Of course, that doesn’t mean that you have to be on duty 24/7 or eager to engage at all times. Your child may now be much freer, but whether you are working or not, you’ll probably still have external obligations that require your time and focus. You’ll find that it takes a little while for you all to find your rhythm, and in the beginning it may be disconcerting not to have the stability of school and those fixed learning hours. But remember that unschooling isn’t about saying yes to everything all the time or feeling guilty because you can’t. It’s about working together to make sure everyone is being valued and respected. You’ll almost certainly need to think about your own needs and boundaries, and how to discuss these with your child. In Chapter 11 you’ll find some ideas about how to best approach that.
“All sorts of things come up. Sometimes we’ll be going to bed, and they’ll ask a question, and suddenly we’ll be learning something about a planet or some kind of mathematical concept because a question’s just been asked.” – Jayne
“As young adults now, my children both understand that learning is a very personal experience, that it happens in every moment and that they can approach it any way they choose.” – Nicola
Children make no distinction between learning and playing
It’s easy to fall into the idea that a child who is playing isn’t learning. But it’s important to remember that not only do children learn through play, but also that your child is unlikely to judge their activities in the same way you do. Adults may assume that academic topics are serious and play is fun, but your child isn’t making that distinction (unless they have internalized it from adults). I’ve seen children move seamlessly between Minecraft and history quizzes and back again, I’ve spent hours making up sums for a child who loves maths, and watched interests born in video games become intellectual pursuits. What is learning and what is playing? If you can enter their mindset, you will see that there is no difference.
“Charlie is really into Dungeons & Dragons. If he is the Dungeon Master, he tells the story, and takes the other players on a journey, so he has to be very flexible and cooperative with the other players. There’s so much in it – leadership skills, problem solving, organizing, planning, interpersonal skills. I think these are hugely important skills that most of us only learn as adults, so I think it’s a gift to learn as children. Max has set up a wooden train track, the kind that you wouldn’t normally find after the age of five. But he’s 13. He was explaining some law of physics and why the train needs to go in a straight line and curvature, and all this engineering stuff. He’s exploring all of this through his train set and engineering magazines. He might learn about the laws of physics at school, but it wouldn’t be as deep as this, because he’s genuinely interested and not trying to please a teacher. Here, there’s playfulness and deep learning.” – Eva
“Just when I was starting to feel triggered by the three hours he’d spent rooted to the spot on his iPad, he called me over to show me what he’d been working on. He’d discovered how to make chemical compounds with access to the elements of the entire periodic table in Minecraft. I had no idea that this even existed in Minecraft. He was buzzing about it and had no idea he’d taken a deep dive into the world of chemistry.” – Annie
“Looking for the wrong evidence can sabotage it all. Or thinking that one thing is more important than another. I played a board game with my son and it turns out that he knows all his times tables. I’ve never taught him and he didn’t set out to learn them. He just plays a lot with numbers and games.” – Holly
Learning will not feel difficult if it’s meaningful
Unfortunately, I left school with a fixed idea of what was difficult and what I was bad at. It has taken my children’s open-minded approach to life to make me realize that a lot of things I had dismissed (such as chemistry) as incomprehensible to me can actually be interesting and are within my grasp. Unless we make things seem like hard work, there’s no reason that our children will assume they are. Science, reading, equations, writing – when these feel interesting or meaningful to a child, they won’t be a struggle.
My daughter thinks that she might retain more knowledge because she’s more passionate about the things that she’s learning. For example, when she’s writing a story, she gets to choose if she wants to learn about grammar and punctuation. And it makes sense for her to do that, because it feels purposeful and useful.” – Hayley
They will choose ways to learn and explore that you might not have thought of
When a child is curious about something and in charge of how they explore that particular interest, they will probably find resources that might never occur to us. Some children might enjoy worksheets or school-style books, but if your child avoids these like the plague, they may just be recognizing that these are just not the best tools for the job. From YouTube videos to apps, conversation, books and courses, they are likely to find ways to learn that are far more aligned with how they best acquire information. When a resource no longer works for them, they can move on to something else that serves them better. If you are looking for resources to support your child, be guided by what they naturally choose to engage with.
The real world is an endless source of inspiration
‘But how will they deal with the real world?’, people might ask you. You’ll know when your mindset has started to shift because you’ll recognize that this is an odd question. Not only are your children very much part of the real world, but they are likely to be endlessly inspired by it. Whether it’s creating their own business, politics, theatre, blacksmithing or nature, they will seek out the experiences and knowledge that help them understand the world better and to acquire the skills they are drawn to. When we think back to the science of learning in Chapter 1 and how children are naturally wired to learn through direct and meaningful experience, it’s easy to understand why real life is far more compelling than a classroom.
“She’s really interested in events and organizing, and she recently organized a fundraiser for some rescue goats. She did it all herself and raised over £3000 in an evening. So she’s thinking now about taking GCSEs to go to college to study that. She’s at a stage now where she wants to work out where she’s going and wants to channel her energy into that.” – Lianne
They will challenge themselves
Many people assume that a child who has no external obligation to continue with something challenging would give up at the first hurdle. But the power of intrinsic motivation is inspiring to watch in action. Sure, there will be lots of frustration along the way. They may take a break when they’re fed up, and sometimes they will know that giving up is the best option, but often, they will rise to incredible challenges they set themselves. In fact, the lack of external pressure means that they are more ready to step up as there is no risk of shame or embarrassment. If they give up, they won’t be letting anyone down or feeling the weight of someone else’s disappointment, making it much safer to try difficult things.
“She’s a very experiential learner, so she has to try things herself. Any idea she has, she doesn’t see a barrier to whether it’s achievable. Sometimes those ideas have to be reined in a bit because they’re not always manageable. But her tenacity to just try something and make mistakes, because no one showed her how to do it, is impressive. She doesn’t want to learn in a direct way where someone tells her something; she wants to figure it out for herself. She learns so much in that process about learning and about dealing with disappointment when it goes wrong. She’s gotten much better with disappointment. Losing a board game or a drawing not turning out as expected used to cause huge meltdowns. Now, if a project goes wrong, she might be upset, but she takes a break, tidies up, and moves on.” – Donna
You might not have a clue how they are learning
We’re so used to learning being such an obvious task that the idea that you could be with your children all day and not know what or how they’re learning may seem strange. I was baffled at first by all the things they shared with me, as I really couldn’t figure out how or when they had come across these things. Sometimes I’d ask them, ‘How do you know that?’ and often they couldn’t pinpoint how they did.
“So they would come up to me and I’d be like, ‘Wow, you’ve learned that skill and I didn’t show you.’ At one point, that had happened enough times that I could see that I didn’t need to see everything. Just because I don’t see something doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. It’s impossible to measure or to know what’s going on.” – Holly
“Sometimes I don’t know how they know things. They’ll say, ‘Oh, from telly or something.’ Or ‘Oh, a friend told us that.’ My son will come out with words. And I’m like, ‘You know, that’s quite advanced vocab. How do you know that?’ And he’ll say, ‘Oh, from a book.’” – Jayne
“There’s that thing where you just want the next step to happen. I really wanted her to swim, so I kept taking her to the pool. One day she did two strokes and I went away really excited and thinking that the next week, then, she’d do three or four five and so on. But she didn’t do it again for three months after that. I realized that she was just playing so didn’t necessarily feel like going back to it yet. Then we went away for a month, and although she was in the pool lots and always really enjoyed it, she didn’t swim a stroke. When we came back, we went to the pool with our home ed friends. I saw her lined up at the deep end with all friends all about to jump in, and I was thinking stop, you can’t swim!, but she jumped in and swam the whole length. So all that playing and understanding the water, all of that had beenquietly going on.” – Lianne
They’ll seek out teachers when they need them
None of this means that our children won’t also seek out teachers. They are likely to look for and find teachers, mentors and role models who help them learn and explore the things that interest them. They may want to join online or in-person courses around a specific topic. Or there could be a friend or neighbour who is knowledgeable in an area that fascinates them. When your child is able to engage freely and willingly and in a format that feels right for them, learning with a teacher or mentor is likely to be far more satisfying and inspiring than it would be in a big classroom in which there are almost certainly a number of children who would prefer not to be there at all.
About the Author
Esther Jones is a mindful parenting and deschooling coach. The article above constitutes chapter three from her book, ‘The Parent’s Handbook to Unschooling Yourself’. The book is a practical guide to help you accompany your child’s unique learning journey with curiosity and lots of self-compassion. Packed with practical tools and strategies to guide you through the challenging moments, as well as stories from parents who have walked this path before.